Getting a good result against the Peoples Liberation Army (PLA) rugby team as about as difficult as taking a standing dump on the train on the way to Guangzhou; it’s never pretty but not impossible.

The squad assembled at the Hung Hom train station at 10am for what was to be the first real league game of the season. It might have just been a rash but the boys were itching to finally slash and burn and what better way to start the season with an exciting and exotic trip abroad to sunny Guangzhou, the home of .. erm… the PLA and … erm… lots of people.

It was also the first chance to meet the new recruits from Beijing, John and Leo, who have been transferred from their club, Chinese Agricultural University, for a season in Hong Kong. Leo’s studying law which seems an odd line of study at a farming university but you never know what those farmers get up to in China. Perhaps there are many scandals involving genetically modified farmers. You know the ones; those farmers that have somehow managed to grow several arms to make light work of the harvest.

Anyway Leo seems like a smart kid but he turned up without his passport and for a moment, all hell broke loose as Supercoach Matt tried to calmly and tactfully find a solution. “I’ll sort this Boozer. Leo, just get your fooking friend to get in a fooking taxi and bring it down fooking ‘ere”. No harm done as a-Yuen stayed behind with Leo and they arrived on a later train.

John also seems smart but not very forthcoming about his line of studying which was a bit spooky.

Anyhow, once the train began it’s plod towards the motherland and once we’d crossed the border and the toilets had been unlocked so we could poo on China and not Hong Kong, everything settled into normal life on a train.

Rather menacingly, the field was surrounded by soldiers with rifles and fixed bayonets while another squadron had lined up mortars, pointed towards the field. A four star general also turned up to sit in a plastic garden chair, smoking cheap cigarettes, shouting orders into his mobile phone and scratching his balls.

The game was indeed as messy and error burdened as a standing crap in a swaying train. The first half was a terror. The ball was lost in contact on numerous occasions and many unforced errors occurred as the boys tried to score from every phase rather than a structured and calculated series of phases. From these frustrating errors the PLA picked up four easy tries from their own 22, swooping on spilt ball or intercepting uncultivated passes across the midfield. Valleys play was, in a word, agricultural itself. Johnny and Leo must have wondered why they were playing for Valley.

It’s never expected that the first match of the season is executed with distinguished allure It didn’t help that the backline was an ambitious rearrangement with Semi at scrum half, Wonks in midfield and Brett at flyhalf.

The pack was bolstered by the return of the treasured Terry Brink who’d spent the past few years in Durban farming eels and meddling with them in an unhygienic manner. He celebrated his return with the first try of the match, ending a sweeping move from our own half. A second try was scored by new man Dave B’Azar who latched onto a blatantly forward pass from bum-patting captain, Forsyth, who’d nicely busted the PLA midfield, groping them on the way through with a friendly tap on the bottom.

The heat was another central source for distress as was the lack of fitness and the devious shenanigans of the smiling referee but the quartet of opportune tries to the PLA could not be accounted to the ref and so Valley went to the half time break trailing by a whopping 29-12.

A barrage of stern advice and instruction from Wonks, Hemi, Brett and Supercoach Matt, helped to advance John and Leo’s vocabulary and appreciation of cursing expletives but it seemed to have the desired effect.

Leo took the field after the break for Sonny Poo Hands who had a few runs on the left wing but looked knackered from a full night’s work, keeping thugs out of Wanchai, and no sleep. And soon after, John took over the right wing from young Doug who hadn’t seen much action. Things looked tidier as Wonks went to scrumhalf and Semi moved into midfield. Almost unbelievably, Valley had 5 Asian Games qualified players on the field at once – the Union enforce a minimum of two in the squad on match day.

The boys turned up the heat in the second half and started to play with some direction and purpose but still found themselves repeatedly frustrated by some indecipherable decisions from the charismatic, smiling referee. “He’s laughin’ at ya!”

The pack really started to dominate with some penetrating running by Hemi, Rhys,, Jeremy, Tom and Brinky while Andy and Gaff toiled like hungry buzzards at the breakdown. I wouldn’t have a clue but Brinky revealed to me later that Spiz had played a very strong role, applauding his stout and sturdy contribution to the scrum. No coincidence that Brinky is staying with Spiz since his return and quite plainly angling for cheap rent with comments like that.

Two blistering tries were scored by new lads, John and Leo, as they burnt their way down their wings, outflanking some speedy soldiers to the line in a great way to mark their debuts at Valley. A forward rumble followed this and another new man, Rhys buckled his way over for a super glamorous try which Jay duly converted.

With the scores at 29-29 and with time up on the clock, it looked like a long train trip home with half empty hands. But Wonks was having none of this and as he took the ball ten metres from the PLA posts there was a look in his eye that said “None of you bastards is gonna stop me.” And they didn’t. Jay coolly converted for a 36-29 victory as the whistle blew and Forsyth ran around tapping bums, even the generals.

Special thanks to Toby and Tom for backing up and coming all the way to China with a smile. It’s great club spirit knowing you can play a game in Hong Kong in another team and it’s very much appreciated by all the players, coach and manager. Big up ya’selves.

With a bonus point in the bag the lads were content and headed off to the Dong Fung sauna, shower, a soak in the pool, foot massage and a feed. One chap even had a pedicure. The staff at the sauna had possibly not seen too many females in their establishment were all scratching their heads as Riddles strapped a few boys and stitched a few cuts as they sat in big comfy chairs eat rice and drinking beer.

A last minute dash for the train station was left to late and nobody made it onto through-train on time….. etc etc…..

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